Social cleansing…

Had to do something very hard today. Time to close the book on some chapters in my life. Contemplated it for a long time then took the plunge.

Did I feel better after doing it? Not really, but i can’t hang onto the coat tails of the past.

Over time things will get better im sure.

😔💔

And we are off….

Well, now that lockdown restrictions are being eased a wee bit, finally managing to get a wee night out.

Heading to a friends house for a fire and some liquor.

Not seen them since March and looking forward to it.

On other news, managed to get through a phone interview for a new job in Northern Scotland.

Down to the last 5 applicants, so have a face to face interview next month. Bit nervous if I get it and have to move away from the kids and the person I love. (Even though she hates me 😂)

But a new start needs a new beginning and this might be for the best.

Wait and see what happens…..

ISLYNC XX

Soul searching…..

I’ve been off line for roughly a month now, re-evaluating and re-educating myself on lifes choices.

I know i have made some really bad choices over the past few years, and i regret them so much.

I see things more clearly now, and with that I can move forward with my new life. I have relocated in the same area and things are going good so far.

I now know the difference when somebody is in love with you and when they are in love with the attention you give them. Not you yourself.

Steph has been helping me massively to adjust to my new surroundings and have both enjoyed memorable walks and time together.

Mental health wise, im getting better, but not out the woods yet. Still having horrendous panic attacks now and again. But i will over come them.

Onwards and upwards is the only way….

In the pursuit of happiness…

I wise girl told me recently, that I need to find something that makes me happy. Not a person, but something.

I’ve been pondering my lifes choices this past week, and i can see where I’ve chosen poorly and behaved badly.

But that is in the past now, and i can make a change to my life. With the help of friends, family and the doctors, I can definitely say i have turned a corner this week.

No longer dwelling on the past few years. What’s done is done and locked away in lifes experiences.

I’ve taken up a pastime, that I stopped twenty years ago and I have to say I’ve found something that I enjoy and keeps my mind busy.

Filmography and Photography is a way of expressing your feelings, moods and thoughts. In the video below, the music represents the past turmoil, but the images represents a new future.

In the End.

With the help of Steph and Morgan, the evening out shooting video and photos was thoroughly therapeutic.

The haunting music is courtesy of Tommee Proffit (in the end)

2020… a horror movie?…

As I sit in the local hospital typing this, I think to myself, is 2020 a nightmare? Will I wake up soon?

I’m sure this year is a movie written by Stephen King and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

On top of all my mental health problems, the covid-19 pandemic, hurting someone I loved dearly, I now have another worry.

My doctor is now concerned about my physical health and I’m sitting waiting for blood tests and x-rays.

Yep….you guessed it…..to check for Mr C. 😭

I know I said I was going to be posting positive blogs, and I am, but felt this was so much of a joke on me that I had to share. 😂

Karma must be a total bitch, because I am getting dumped on from a great height this year so far.

I’ll try to keep positive for the next week until I get my test results in. Fingers crossed, but I’m expecting the worst.

The hospital gowns aren’t really fashionable though!

Day 1 after the outbreak…

I’ve called this day 1 after the outbreak as our bumbling PM has relaxed the lockdown rules, and i can see nothing but carnage and a second wave of a high death toll.

Luckily here in Scotland, we have a well informed first minister taking the cautious approach.

Now into week 7 of lockdown, im sure the majority of the population are struggling with mental and physical deterioration.

Me myself have had the past few days from hell. Real bad, with actions I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve had an emergency appointment with my doctor and he has set up a plan to help.

Number 1. Dont interact with negativity/negative people.

Number 2. Use the extra medication if and when needed.

Number 3. Have a safe person/number to call.

Number 4. Try to keep mind away from past events and people that bring anxiety. Occupy with tasks.

Not a bad start so far. I’ve switched off Facebook. Exercise regularly (rowing machine) and went for a jog with steph.

Starting the exercise 6 weeks ago has definitely changed my body shape. Flat stomach now, I can even see my winky when I look down 😂

The exercise keeps my mind occupied and helps not dwell on events that have caused me a melt down over the past 3 months.

So hopefully, things can only get better. Surely?

I’ve even started to go back out on the tools again for small emergency jobs. Its all extra pennies in my pocket.

Move forward, the past must stay in the past. I can do this, I know I’m stronger than I think I am.