Social cleansing…

Had to do something very hard today. Time to close the book on some chapters in my life. Contemplated it for a long time then took the plunge.

Did I feel better after doing it? Not really, but i can’t hang onto the coat tails of the past.

Over time things will get better im sure.

😔💔

And we are off….

Well, now that lockdown restrictions are being eased a wee bit, finally managing to get a wee night out.

Heading to a friends house for a fire and some liquor.

Not seen them since March and looking forward to it.

On other news, managed to get through a phone interview for a new job in Northern Scotland.

Down to the last 5 applicants, so have a face to face interview next month. Bit nervous if I get it and have to move away from the kids and the person I love. (Even though she hates me 😂)

But a new start needs a new beginning and this might be for the best.

Wait and see what happens…..

ISLYNC XX

Bad days……(edited)

Having a really bad day so far today. Contemplating the past few months of my life…no, make that the past few years.

I really have wronged some people in the past. A friend, who I loved so much and couldn’t do the right thing by her. She hates me so much now and I don’t blame her. I hope she is well and moving forward. I still love her to bits, but I’ve refrained from contacting her as I don’t want to cause her anymore pain or anguish.

She’s a strong woman who deserves the best.

Myself? I got the all clear for cancer which was a relief. It was playing on my mind and made things worse for a while.

My mental health issues have deteriorated a bit and have to take stronger medication now. I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied by posting crap on social media to distract me.

I’ve recently relocated in the local area, but have now decided to move area, maybe even emigrate. Too many memories that get me upset.

Got four applications in for around the country, so fingers crossed.

Coffee intake has increased drastically 😂 food intake down. Exercise is up and I’ve lost nearly 2 stone, so that ok.

Tomorrow is a new day ISLYN X

xx

Soul searching…..

I’ve been off line for roughly a month now, re-evaluating and re-educating myself on lifes choices.

I know i have made some really bad choices over the past few years, and i regret them so much.

I see things more clearly now, and with that I can move forward with my new life. I have relocated in the same area and things are going good so far.

I now know the difference when somebody is in love with you and when they are in love with the attention you give them. Not you yourself.

Steph has been helping me massively to adjust to my new surroundings and have both enjoyed memorable walks and time together.

Mental health wise, im getting better, but not out the woods yet. Still having horrendous panic attacks now and again. But i will over come them.

Onwards and upwards is the only way….

In the pursuit of happiness…

I wise girl told me recently, that I need to find something that makes me happy. Not a person, but something.

I’ve been pondering my lifes choices this past week, and i can see where I’ve chosen poorly and behaved badly.

But that is in the past now, and i can make a change to my life. With the help of friends, family and the doctors, I can definitely say i have turned a corner this week.

No longer dwelling on the past few years. What’s done is done and locked away in lifes experiences.

I’ve taken up a pastime, that I stopped twenty years ago and I have to say I’ve found something that I enjoy and keeps my mind busy.

Filmography and Photography is a way of expressing your feelings, moods and thoughts. In the video below, the music represents the past turmoil, but the images represents a new future.

In the End.

With the help of Steph and Morgan, the evening out shooting video and photos was thoroughly therapeutic.

The haunting music is courtesy of Tommee Proffit (in the end)

2020… a horror movie?…

As I sit in the local hospital typing this, I think to myself, is 2020 a nightmare? Will I wake up soon?

I’m sure this year is a movie written by Stephen King and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

On top of all my mental health problems, the covid-19 pandemic, hurting someone I loved dearly, I now have another worry.

My doctor is now concerned about my physical health and I’m sitting waiting for blood tests and x-rays.

Yep….you guessed it…..to check for Mr C. 😭

I know I said I was going to be posting positive blogs, and I am, but felt this was so much of a joke on me that I had to share. 😂

Karma must be a total bitch, because I am getting dumped on from a great height this year so far.

I’ll try to keep positive for the next week until I get my test results in. Fingers crossed, but I’m expecting the worst.

The hospital gowns aren’t really fashionable though!